this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
