Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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