No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
