he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
