WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
