He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
