I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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