There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
