my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize