saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
