my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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