I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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