I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Can i not drive my cunt home
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
