apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
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