Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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