I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
