i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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