he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
