I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
