I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
