I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
