I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
