just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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