I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
