How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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