Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I can't put those talents on a resume
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
