My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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