if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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