just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
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Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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