Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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