On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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