I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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