im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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