here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
