i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
