I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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