Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize