I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
