First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
