Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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