Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
