Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
