i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
