it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I deserve this hangover.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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