she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
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