my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Randomize
