god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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