i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
