i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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