she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
