the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
