i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Drunk is not a location!
Who died my cat blue again?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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