I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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