This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
