Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
