my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
