hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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