apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just google imaged poop.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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