I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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