I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Dicks are not precious.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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