Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
